Here Today, Gone Tomorrow…

Before my breasts were a thought and days before my bilateral mastectomy

Before my breasts were a thought and days before my bilateral mastectomy

I think every woman has gone through some sort of breast journey in their life, an evolution of their relationship with their breasts of sorts. Most of us never expect that the relationship will end fairly early in their life like mine did,. But actually, when I think about it I still have a relationship with my breasts even if they are no longer here.

It all started when I was about 11 and myself and all my girlfriends began to notice which ones of us were starting to grow our first signs of breasts. There is always that one early bloomer that we are all envious of while we just have those little buds. Sure, we tried to accentuate the little we had by leaving a fold in our t-shirt or even resorting to stuffing our training bra with tissues but at some point in a young girl’s life we realize that for some reason we feel like we need to have breasts. I’m sure many of your bought into those urban myths like Twinkies make your breasts grow, or did that exercise while saying “I must, I must I must increase my bust.” At least I did, and by ninth grade I got what I wished for. I didn’t realize what I had until I walked around the ninth grade picnic in a little sexy bathing suit (I didn’t know it was sexy, I definitely didn’t think I was sexy!) But suddenly boys who never paid any attention to me started following me around. Being pretty insecure I just thought “all they see are my breasts”

At my sweet 16

At my sweet 16

After that I spent a lot of years in a love/hate relationship with my breasts which grew from a full C cup in ninth grade (I was 90 pounds and 5 ft. tall) to a voluptuous 34 DD! I complained they were too big for my frame, I complained that that is all any guys noticed, I complained that I couldn’t wear certain things that girls with small breasts could wear because they made me look slutty. I complained about how much I had to spend on a good bra and  I complained about how hard it was to find a bathing suit that fit right. So In high school and college I wore a lot of things that masked my large breasts.

After college I learned to love my breasts a little more but I still complained. After I had my three children my lovely 34DD breasts had seen better days, they were not as perky and full and needed a little extra support and padding. I got a special bra and that made them look fabulous and I embraced them, showed them off and finally felt comfortable with them (in my special bra) but I still complained about the state they were now in. I never thought for a minute that I would ever lose them. My husband told me I wished them away, I hope that is not true. But I do wish I appreciated them more when I had them. Do you think if I loved them more I they wouldn’t have gotten mad at me, gotten cancer and left me forever?

I am not one to live in regret but I do often wonder if I appreciated my breasts more when I had them would they have stuck around? Who knows? All I am saying is appreciate what you have because you never know when you will lose it.