Tamoxifen headache! Today I opted to go out with no prosthetics so I would not irritate my lymphedema flare up in my chest and back.
I’ve had a day, a day of such intense pain, caused by my newly discovered arthritis, caused by my three years of Tamoxifen and it made me think maybe I should just go ahead and get a hysterectomy so I don’t have to take Tamoxifen anymore. Sounds crazy? You have got to be in a lot of pain to think that a hysterectomy is a better alternative. My oncologist was pushing me to get one for awhile so I could go into menopause and take another medication instead of Tamoxifen, I thought he was crazy to suggest I get another surgery, but today I thought maybe…But then I said to myself. “wait, this is irreversible, the damage is done. You cannot undo arthritis can you? I don’t even know the answer but I am pretty sure that I am stuck with this for the rest of my life.
People wonder how it is I don’t worry about recurrence maybe it is blind faith or maybe it is because I am often dealing with the aftermath of my failed surgeries and side effects from my Tamoxifen that I just don’t have time to worry about my cancer coming back.
I wrote about smiling through my pain in my last article but like I said earlier, I’ve had a day… It is exhausting walking around all day with so much pain. On my left side my chest is swollen, I feel like there is a knife in my back and my wrist and thumb hurt so much typing this is extremely difficult. I am getting scared that I will not be able to do everyday tasks soon. I go about my daily routine as if nothing is wrong, using my left hand all day but how long will I be able to do that?
Today I opted to go out with no prosthetics so I would not irritate my lymphedema flare up in my chest and back. I was feeling pretty sick and so was my husband and daughter so I went out to get ingredients so I could make a batch of healing chicken soup. As I chopped vegetables I wondered who will do this if I can’t? When we are sick I make soup, it is what I do. What if I can no longer use my left hand? When I was healing from my surgeries everyone chipped in to help but I knew it was temporary but what if this burning pain I am feeling in my left hand right now just gets worse and worse?
Jim Morrison said “People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” Maybe I will feel that way tomorrow but tonight I just want to kick, cry, scream and give someone else my pain to carry.