DIY: Get Into Your Rich Uncle’s Will

You lost your slip-and-fall lawsuit against Walmart. You’re stuck at the bottom of the latest pyramid scheme. There is only one chance left to avoid a life of grinding out a thin paycheck in the office – inherit your filthy rich uncle’s fortune.

Before you screw up another get-rich-quick plan, read the tips below. In no time you’ll be on the deck of your retirement home in South Beach, lying in a hammock and sipping a Mai Tai.

1. Be sure your uncle is competent. Wills that are changed by drooling, senile fools can be ruled invalid in court. Wipe the spittle from his lips, put matching shoes on him, and cover up the tutu he’s wearing so that no one will know that he has lost his mind.

2. If you stole from his wallet and poached his whiskey when you were a kid, your uncle probably remembers you as a dick – so make some memories up. While you’re sitting at his bedside, spoon-feeding him cold oatmeal, say to him: “Remember when we played ball in the park?” “I was thinking the other day about the time we ate hot dogs at the circus. What a great time.” “Uncle, I never thanked you for taking me to Great Adventure every summer. I love you.”

Sure, these things never happened, but a guy who is pooping into a bedpan isn’t going to remember otherwise.

3. Sabotage your other relatives. Don’t think you’re the only one gunning for the old man’s pot of gold. When no one else is around, tell your uncle that his sweet granddaughter Amy is a “tramp.” Mention that your uncle’s other nephew, Dan the Sunday school teacher, is a “loafer” and a “communist.” If your uncle is still married, he’ll probably want to give all of his loot to his wife. Start to sob a little, and say to him, “Your wife was a great woman. If only she could be here now. I miss her so.”